building · and · growing

i'm gonna start using pawky_aubade again, my old journal.

stuff i wanna do before i go back or whatever:
santa cruz (train?)
russian river camping
make lasagna
see my cousin
have a barbecue (see friends)
get fimo
record tapes
get a multitool
organize stuff in the basement (hahahah)

so today: soco, maybe see chloe
tomorrow: mike's fight, r.e.i. in s.f.?
sunday: barbecue?
monday: leave to go on a little trip/camp/go to s.c.(?)
tuesday: gone
wednesday: gone
thursday: video at station 40, spend the night in sf?
friday: leave at the crack of dawn

ahh i am so frustrated. after weeks of constant off and on and hurtful behavior and fights, i left to visit my family and we left saying i'd come back and we'd keep trying. but ever since i've been here it's been all me calling and writing, and i understand he doesn't have internet in the house or money to buy calling cards, plus it's way cheaper to call from here to there anyway, but ahhhh then i call and he is so cold and weird like he is talking to his sister, he doesn't even say i miss you or i love you, maybe those are just hollow phrases, that as he says, i guess i already know, but goddamn after those bad weeks i need some fucking assurance that he really does want to be with me. it is partly me that i am always so unsure and one foot out the door with him and really with all of my relationships. if i was more sure that i really love him and that i am the happiest i can be with him i might not doubt so much. but we are so far apart and he is acting so weird and there's nothing i can do besides tell him i feel bad to which he says i'm being negative and it would probably be better if we didn't talk about that stuff. that lack of concern makes me feel like he cares even less. of course that comes from my problem of dating people who express interest in me not who i necessarily have strong feelings for at the beginning. i am attracted to people who are attracted to me because i'm insecure and it just ends up creating relationships that i don't even really want to get into, i just want the attention or something. it's sick! and they're not healthy balanced relationships. i should probably make this a private post but oh well maybe one of you has some nugget of wisdom.

well i didn't really miss him and then the phone call made it way worse. i don't know what to do, but i want to avoid old habits.

barcelona is turning me into even more of a grandma than i already was. i bake banana bread and embroider listening to the folk music the squat radio station plays. my housemates drink 50 cent litres of beer while i put up the big bucks for the classy 2.5 euro bottles of red wine. i take the bus to the beach with carissa, stick my toes in the cool turquoise water and tip toe around the rocky ruins of an old patio, hobbling on bare feet like an old woman, searching for a hand rail for support. loaded down with grocery bags of found and bought things, i take the quietest route to avoid all the drunk young people who i can´t understand. i read and read and read on the roof from which you can see nothing but other buildings and bring up buckets full of water from under the sinks to water the basil plants. sometimes i go to parties and stay up until 5 am, but i never really enjoy myself. it´s hard to meet people here, everyone is very cliquey and i think a lot of foreigners come through so no one is curious about a new face. i saw a stencil the other night of an old woman with a devil´s tail and an ax and felt like maybe that could be me.

Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they’re leaving
You’ll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, chiquitita

it's been gorgeous, breezy, warm, and clear. i've been indoors working too much. i feel bad going to the y because it's so nice out, but i think it will stay this way for a few more months now. i am saving money. i don't know what for. maybe going back to mexico, though i don't think i'll get a plane ticket this time. i'm still there in my mind. staying in the present has been a bit trying.

my legs are aching to go on a long bike trip. maybe it's that i've had a flat for weeks and barely ride, borrowing my mom's hybrid. i think i'll take the train to san luis obisbo and ride from there to the border. maybe.

or maybe i'll finally take the highline out to minneapolis or chicago. i'm staying in oakland until at least august, but after that, ohhh man. i wanna go to school, but think about new york city in september. i am.

trying to stay present, but it's hard.